I Failed

The first week of class is officially over, and I have to say that it was bittersweet. Full disclosure, it felt really good to get back into a routine and begin a new chapter of my life that I’m actually excited about. I really enjoy my classes, and I can’t wait to see what comes of my internship. I met my boss this week, and boy is she an amazing person. By the end of the first day, we were best friends.

But like I mentioned in my last post, it’s never easy to transition from the summer schedule to the fall schedule. Not that the majority of summer was filled with a substantial amount of free time, but let’s just say I sat on the couch a little more. Truth be told that while this was relaxing, it was harmful in the long run.

Most of my readers will remember that this summer was a time of inquisition. To put it shortly, I dove deeper into my faith and thought a lot about the future. The free time I had was either spent at adoration discerning God’s will for my life or in my room reading self-help books in an attempt to discover my underlying passions.

And because of that, I felt a burning desire in my heart for God. You can call Him the Universe, the Great Unknown, the Spirit, etc. But regardless, I yearned for Him because I needed His intercession in my life. I was at a crossroads, a dead end. I had no idea what to do with my life, and I prayed day after day that He would place a desire in my heart for something, anything.

I’d venture to say that this need for His intercession has been prevalent over my entire college career, but it hit me hard this summer because amidst studying for the GRE, I realized that I’m graduating in a year. It’s time to get my shit together and figure out a next step before application deadlines pass and I’m left with a piece of paper in my hand and no direction. And it wasn’t so much that I wanted a final answer, but I wanted God to give me a general path to walk down…grad school or the workforce.

Thankfully during the first days of August, He placed in my heart that my next step was to apply to graduate school for a combined Masters of Public Health and Masters of Social Work. I was ecstatic! My prayers had been answered.

But that wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

A few days after I found my calling, I started to become complacent with where I was in life. Sure I was and still am gathering my application materials, but I stopped doing the two things that I had been so essential to catalyzing the personal growth I experienced this summer: talking to God and growing myself. Instead, I became so focused on grad school and missed out on all the other little nuances God had been trying to show me. I stopped looking for Him in the wind and appreciating everything He’d done for me. Needless to say, I felt a little empty the past couple weeks and now I know why.

I realized this when I was sitting in adoration on Tuesday. It hit me like a freight train. So I decided to let out my pain by writing it down in my phone. Today, I want to share that with you. The only thing I’ve changed about it is the grammar. I haven’t touched where I wrote certain things or the sentence structure because in all honesty, I felt the Holy Spirit when I was writing this. I want you to read it in its authenticity in the hopes that maybe it will inspire you in some way. Maybe it will be a reality check. Maybe you’re in the same boat as me or maybe it will catalyze you to look at the world differently.

Regardless, here it is…

“God put this desire in my heart for my next step and I haven’t questioned it. And because of that, I feel like I’ve grown complacent in my search for Him and in my quest to become the best version of myself. I’ve been wasting time. 

And it’s not like I need to be direly searching for my next step after graduate school. That’s not what I mean. I mean that I need to be searching for Him through this process. Throughout the application process, I need to be looking for signs as to where He wants to me to go and where He’s pulling my heartstrings. Because the moment I set foot on that campus, I know He’s leading me toward my next step. 

So I mean that I’ve grown complacent in looking for His signs. I’ve developed a tunnel vision for grad school that’s preventing me from seeing what’s around me…from enjoying the ride there because with God, it’s not a direct path. Nothing is linear. God likes the twists and the turns. He likes taking us on detours because He wants us to see all He has to offer. If He fast-tracked us to the destination, we’d miss out on the little skills, memories, and experiences He plans for us along the way. It’s those little nuances that make us unique. It’s them that make us who we are and help us become the best versions of ourselves.

So to put it shortly, we need to roll down the windows and get off the highway. Take the back roads and breathe in the crisp morning air because that’s truly where God is. That’s where He will reveal His purpose to us. That’s where we find who we are and gain a taste of the wisdom only He can grant us. 

And as I write this, I’m sitting in adoration looking at the Blessed Sacrament exposed in the monstrance. And in the time I spent writing this, it seems as if the room has become a little brighter and the monstrance shines just a little more. Maybe I’m crazy or maybe He’s speaking to me. But it’s these things I’m speaking about. It’s these little signs that He gives to us that we can miss.

So if I had any advice for you this weekend, it would be to roll the windows down and feel the sunlight on your skin. Slow down and look around you. Take 5 minutes to sit in silence and ask God what’s next. Maybe He’ll answer you directly. If He does, let me know because I want to learn how you made that happen. But chances are He’s not going to answer you in the moment…He’ll answer throughout the rest of the day, the week, and the year. He’ll answer in ways you’ll only hear if you’re open. So take off the chains and open your heart. He’s waiting to lift you up to places you never thought you’d be. He’s waiting to welcome you into His arms forever.”

Have you struggled with this before? If so, do you have any tips? Where have you seen God this week?

As always, thank you for reading and don’t forget to like, comment, and share. Have a great weekend everyone

“No matter the circumstances, I encourage you to go forward with faith and prayer, calling on the Lord. You may not receive any direct revelation, but you will discover, as the years pass, that there has been a subtle guiding of your footsteps in paths of progress and great purpose.” ~ Gordon B. Hinckley

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