Happy Friday everyone! I think it goes without saying that four day workweeks are the best. This one felt especially short for me since we had Monday off, I don’t have classes on Tuesdays, and I didn’t have my internship on Thursday because of my procedure. I’m not complaining though! I was able to check off my to-do list and hang out with the family.
And if you’re wondering, my procedure went great! I wish I had that anesthesia every night because I haven’t felt that well-rested in a long time.
But today, I need to be honest with you all. I’m tired. Even though I’m sleeping more, I feel drained 24/7, and I’m starting to lose the motivation to do the things I love.
I touched on this in my last post when I mentioned that God was putting His confidence in me…the confidence to know that I can overcome my obstacles. When I wrote that, I was under the impression that He wanted me to push through. I thought He wanted me to keep climbing even though the mountain was, and still, is getting steeper and steeper. I thought He wanted me to fall so I could fly.
But this week, after spending time with my family and taking it a little easier on myself, I realized that wasn’t true. God still wants me to fly, but not because I fell. He wants me to fly by listening to my body. He wants me to fly by taking things off my shoulders that have been weighing me down.
I think in my heart I’ve always known that I’ve needed to do this, but I didn’t want to let people down. Heck, I felt like I was letting myself down too. Not to sound pretentious, but I’ve always been a high achiever. I’m accustomed to taking on a lot of responsibilities and managing them fairly well. So when I start to struggle, it’s hard for me to admit it, so I usually don’t ask for help. Because of that, it’s even harder for me to let go of the reigns…to “let go and let God.”
But I think that’s the next step for me in my journey…learning to listen to myself and learning to take care of the body that God gave me. After all, I’m essentially borrowing from it from Him, and isn’t it true that we take better care of the things we borrow than the things we own?
All of this hit me when I was lying in the recovery room today. I was undergoing a colonoscopy as a direct result of pushing myself too hard. The truth is that I gave myself a condition that I have to live with for the rest of my life because I surpassed my body’s limits…and the scary thing is that at the time, I didn’t think I was pushing myself hard enough. I was working 15 hours a week, researching another 15 hours a week, on the executive board for a committee, volunteering 5 hours a week, and only getting 5 hours of sleep. All of that, and I thought I wasn’t doing enough. That’s sad.
After that semester, I told myself I’d never put my body or my mind through that again, and I haven’t…but I’ve come pretty close. This is one of those times.
Instead of exacerbating what I already have or putting myself at risk for another condition, I’ve decided to “let go and let God.” Like I talked about in my last post, He has confidence that I’m going to make the right decision this time around, and I do too.
So as much as it pains me, I’ll only be posting once a week. I’m hoping it’s just for this semester, but I’m letting my body dictate that. Part of me wants to justify this decision, but a larger part of me knows that I don’t need to. I know the people that understand will stick around, and that’s enough for me. I’d rather have the loyalty of a few readers than the faceless support of a million.
The truth is that we are all adults. We’ve all had to make difficult decisions. We’ve all had to choose ourselves over others at one point or another. It’s hard, especially if you’re a people pleaser like me…but it’s necessary. Right now, I need this to take my life back, and I hope you’ll understand.
I don’t want to be dramatic or shout “woe is me”. I’m fine, honestly! But I think I matured a little this week, both personally and spiritually.
And there’s good news too! I truly believe that by posting once a week, my posts will be more heartfelt and inspirational. Lately, I feel as though I’ve been repeating myself. That’s not necessarily a bad thing because everything I talk about requires practice, but I want to give you all the best experience possible. That’s not going to come from me writing while I’m on the elliptical or trying to enjoy family time. It will come from dedicated “me time” with just my thoughts and a keyboard.
So I hope you’ll stay tuned for my weekly Monday morning post. Thank you all for understanding. As always, don’t forget to like, comment, and share. I’ll talk to you on Monday 🙂
“Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I – I took the one less traveled by.” ~ Robert Frost